Sunrise
by La Belle Anarchiste
Summary: Lust, lies and guilty consciences. How much more can their relationship take? Rated M for later chapters..
1. Betrayal

Aaah! First story... a little bit terrified.

I wrote this a wee while ago, originally as a present for a friend of mine. It's lovely and cheesy.

Please review! Constructive criticism will be muchly appreciated.

And, of course, I don't own any of these characters. Sigh..

* * *

The rain plummeted down like a curtain around me, mixing with my tears, washing the betrayal from my body.

I hadn't meant to let it get this far. When it first happened, all those months ago, I had promised myself it wouldn't happen again. But it did. I was lying to myself when I thought I could stay apart from Jacob. He filled the gap that Edward didn't, fulfilled the needs that Edward couldn't. When I lay there, in his arms, I was happy.

It was the ultimate treachery – I knew that. To sneak around, to sleep with the enemy, it was the worst thing I could do. Each time I told myself this was it; this would be the time Edward guessed, when he uncovered my dirty little secret and finally saw me for the monster that I was. Yet I kept going back to La Push, week after week, spending more and more time with Jacob. And while every intimate moment we shared was bliss, the happiness I felt was not enough to stifle the intense feeling of guilt that rained down on me when I was away from him. It grew stronger and stronger as the months passed.

Because my heart would always be pledged to Edward. Even though after two years of our relationship he still wouldn't commit to our physical relationship, I loved him more than I could ever love anyone. And I didn't want to hurt him – I hated lying to him – but I was in too deep.

So it was with this feeling of guilt in my heavy heart that I crossed the invisible line between Jacob's world and Edward's world, towards Edward's open, waiting arms. I took a deep breath and swallowed the sobs that were building in my throat as he wrapped his arms around me in a cold but loving embrace.

'You're soaked,' he muttered into my hair. 'Did he make you walk here by yourself?'

I shook my head. 'No, I offered to walk. He had stuff to do,' I mumbled. It was partly true. Jacob didn't make me go alone. But I wouldn't tell Edward about how I made Jacob promise to stay away. How I made sure Edward and Jacob would never be in a close range of each other. I wouldn't risk Jake's overactive imagination exposing the truth.

A low growl issued from inside Edward's chest. 'I bet he did,' he mumbled. Then he added, so quietly I don't think it was intended for me to hear, 'Stupid dog.'

The car journey back to Edward's house was quieter than usual. The easy chatter that normally filled the Volvo was absent, and in its place was an awkward silence, broken only by the soft lull of classical music in the background.

I turned the heater up a bit more and wrapped my arms around my waist to warm myself up. Edward had both of his hands fixed strangely on the wheel, and his eyes never left the road.

This was peculiar, and worry began to gnaw at my insides. Did he know? Had he somehow discovered what was going on behind his back? Impossible, I told myself. With Alice's visions impaired by her inability to see werewolves and their surroundings, there was surely nothing to lead Edward to suspect something out of the ordinary. As far as he was concerned, I was friends with Jacob Black, and nothing more. At least I hoped that was the case.

I shut my eyes and let my head fall back against the seat. In no time at all we reached the Cullens' house. Edward got out in silence and went to stand by the front door. He didn't bother to open the passenger door for me. I stepped out of the car and trudged up the path towards him, feeling hollow inside.

There was no one else in the house. I had never seen it so empty before. It seemed colder, bigger, and much more ominous somehow.

It was when we reached Edward's bedroom that unease finally took hold of me. He opened the door and ushered me inside, before gesturing to the black sofa on the other side of the room. I walked past him and perched on the edge, afraid to meet his gaze, afraid of what I might see there. Fury? Hate? Those I could have managed. Those I deserved. But it was the pain, the sadness that I was scared to see. I had never wanted to hurt him.

'Bella,' he said, breaking the perfect silence with his perfect voice. I flinched as he said my name, seeking out traces of the emotions I didn't want him to feel. But I couldn't hear any anger in his voice, or even pain. I looked up into his angel's face, and to my astonishment he was smiling. I stared at him, too startled to smile back.

'Bella, I've been thinking...' He took a deep breath. I took one too and held it; the panic was still gnawing at my stomach. 'I really appreciate how patient you've been with me since we've been together. I know you have other wants and... desires sometimes... and I'm so very sorry I haven't been able to fulfil them for you. I've been so selfish Bella, and I'm grateful you've waited all this time to share these experiences with me.' He stopped – a sheepish smile on his face.

I was shocked. This wasn't where I had expected this conversation to be headed. He really had no idea. _He_ was apologising to _me _– thanking me for being_ faithful_. The panic was all but gone completely now, and in its place was a feeling of guilt so strong I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

'You have to understand though, as I've told you before, you're so breakable, and I couldn't bear to risk hurting you,' he raised his eyes to the ceiling, struggling for words. 'But now... if you'll let me... I'd like to try this. I love you Bella. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else.'

My heart almost broke. Edward paced shyly across the room and sat next to me. I couldn't meet his eyes. With one icy hand he held both of mine. The other he placed on my cheek, guiding my head to face him. 'Will you let me try and make you happy?'

I couldn't speak. I just stared at him, the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. This couldn't be happening. Not now. I couldn't let him do this. I couldn't let him give himself to me, when I had already had myself stolen a long time ago. I held his gaze without saying a word, and he seemed to take my reaction as an encouragement. He moved closer to me, smiling a stunning – albeit nervous – smile. He pushed me down gently, so that I was laid on the sofa with him atop me, and I couldn't muster the will to stop him. Surely I should let him though? If he was finally ready, after all those years, surely I shouldn't be the one to break his spirit. He began to undo the buttons of his shirt whilst he looked down at me, and for the first time I saw trace of naivety in his butterscotch eyes. This really meant something to him...

_Don't do this Bella! _A voice in my head shouted at me, startling me. _You stop him right now!_

The tears rolled down my cheeks at last as for once I listened to myself. 'Edward,' I gasped when his cool lips brushed my neck.

'Mm?' He mumbled into my skin. Summoning the scrawny amount of willpower I had, I pushed against his marble chest. The action wasn't strong, but it was enough to cause him to remove his lips long enough for me to concentrate.

'Edward, I can't do this.' Eventually he sat up and looked at me, cocking his head to the side. Seeing my tears for the first time, he brushed my cheek softly with the back of his hand.

'What's wrong?'

'I can't...' I was shaking my head frantically, tears pouring down my face. The guilt had drowned my self-control.

Edward frowned. 'But I thought this was what you wanted.'

'It was. It _is_! But Edward, there's something I need to tell you,' I sobbed, internally cursing my conscience for making me do this. He shuffled back on the sofa, allowing me to sit up. He went to hold my hand in his but I moved mine away. I stared straight ahead, unable to look at his worried face.

I was hyperventilating – I could hardly breathe through the sobs – but I knew I had to do this now before I broke down even more.

'Edward, I... I've been... sleeping with someone else,' I choked out, but that was all I could manage. I dropped my face in my hands. I listened, waiting for some kind of reaction. I wasn't sure what, but I assumed some sort of emotional outburst was on its way. I hoped it would be anger. He deserved to be angry at me. I deserved to be hated by him.

But after a few minutes of waiting, he still made no sound. Eventually I chanced a look out of the corner of my eye. At first I thought he had left the room; he was no longer sitting next to me. But as I lifted my head up I realised he was standing by the window, still as a statue, looking out over the forest. There was no expression on his face. It was blank. I hated this more than if he had been angry.

'Edward,' I whispered, though my voice was raspy from sobbing so hard. He didn't look at me. 'Edward I'm sorry.' I tried again after a few seconds of silence. He still didn't look at me. 'I didn't mean t-'

'I think you should go now Bella,' he cut me off, and his voice was hard. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself not to fall to pieces yet. Then, calmly and quietly, I stood up and left the room. I didn't look at Edward again, and I'm pretty sure he didn't look at me.

I didn't stop walking until I was outside and out of view of the Cullens' house. Only then did I fall to a heap on the damp forest floor. I hugged my arms around myself and cried like I never had before. I had known this would happen though. I hardly expected him to love me or stay with me once I told him. This was my fault, and I was getting what I deserved. And in a strange way it felt good to tell him, because at least I wouldn't have to lie again, and I couldn't hurt him anymore. _Well done Bella_, the voice in my head muttered bitterly. _The one person in your life that made you truly happy and you've lost him._ It was true – Edward was the only one I would ever love. Even though I cared for Jacob, my feelings for him were based mainly on what he could offer me physically. My feelings for him could never compare to my feelings for Edward.

The rain started again then, but I barely noticed it.


	2. Alone

I am _so_ sorry about this chapter!

I haven't had much time to write properly recently so that's why this chapter's dull and poorly written.

This bit wasn't part of the original Sunrise, but I decided it needed a filler chapter or two to make it a little more realistic.

So apologies again for the lack of action in this chapter!

Reviews will be very helpful! I need to know what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong.

Merci!

* * *

You don't get used to being alone.

You don't get used to having no one to be held by, or kissed by, or to be told you're loved by.

And, after three months of being alone, I still wasn't used to waking up in an empty bed.

My hand stroked the cold space next to me. Once there would have been someone I loved in that space. I would have woken up in his cold embrace. He would have stroked my hair and made some comment about the way it looked like a haystack. I would have laughed. I would have been happy.

But not anymore.

Because Edward was gone, and I had to try to remember that. I couldn't keep waking up morning after morning thinking he would be there. It was unhealthy to hold onto the hope that he would turn up and sweep me off my feet and things would go back to normal. He would never forgive me. What I had done was unforgivable.

I hadn't seen Jacob in months, either. I had told him I couldn't see him anymore – I wouldn't have been able to live with myself – and that had left things pretty bad between us. It was awful. I loved Jacob. But that was the price I was willing to pay, just to stop myself hating me even more.

I blinked away the tears that never seemed to leave my eyes and got out of bed. What little light there was outside filtered through the gap in my curtains, pooling on the carpet around my feet. It was another gloomy winter's day, and the rain was falling heavy.

There were a few mismatched items of clothing lying around my bedroom and I flung them on without examining them properly. I didn't tend to pay much attention to anything anymore. Since... well... since that night three months ago I hadn't known what to do with myself. My schoolwork suffered – deadlines went unmet, essays went unwritten – but that was nothing compared to my social life. At school I refused to talk to anyone. I sat alone at lunch, ignoring the occasional glares that were thrown my way from the three remaining Cullens in the corner of the cafeteria. Every day I hoped Edward would be there, smiling his startling smile, but every day I was more let down.

I must have called him a thousand times in the first week alone, and when I hadn't had any reply I had gone round to his house. I didn't get a good reception there.

It was Carlisle who had answered the door.

'Hello Bella,' he greeted me. He did not sound happy to see me.

I wrung my hands and stared at my feet, swallowing my tears. 'Hi Carlisle. Is it okay if I speak to Edward?'

'He isn't here. I'm sorry.'

The cold way he said it didn't make him sound very sorry.

'Well can you please ask him to call me when he gets back? I really need to talk to him.' Somehow before I even said it I knew it was a lost cause – Edward hadn't been at school all week – but Carlisle's reply still came as a shock to me.

'I don't know when he'll be back. He's gone away for a while,' he said, and the harsh, blankness of his voice was suddenly laced with sadness. A tear escaped the border of my eye and my heart throbbed for the vampire I had lost. But this was nothing compared to my reaction to Carlisle's next words.

'Bella,' he said, and I raised my eyes to his. They were as cold as his voice. 'Edward asked me to tell you he doesn't want to speak to you. Please don't try and contact him.'

That was too much for me to hear. I hated knowing that I was the reason he had left his family, and it hurt me even more knowing he didn't want to speak to me. My emotions got the better of me, and I sat down and started sobbing right there on the doorstep. Instead of comforting and consoling me, Carlisle just stood there, no compassion in his expression.

It was then very clear that I wouldn't be welcome at the Cullens' residence anymore. When I had finally run out of tears I had scrambled to my feet embarrassedly, jumped in my truck and left without a backwards glance.

So, on that gloomy winter's morning three months after... the incident... I left the house earlier than necessary. I didn't have to be at work until nine on Saturday mornings, but I couldn't just sit around the house moping. I was pretty sure Mrs Newton would let me start half an hour early.

I pulled into the parking lot of the sporting goods store and switched off the engine. The rain attacked the windscreen, pummelling against the glass furiously. Through the tear-streaked window I could see Mike's car parked a few spaces away.

During my period of severe depression, Mike was just about the only person who was normal with me. He talked to me at work, not seeming bothered when I didn't really talk back. Whenever people at school had a trip of some sort organised, he would always invite me – much to the annoyance of people like Jessica and Lauren, who were not my greatest fans. I wasn't sure what to think about Mike's overly-friendliness. I wanted to believe he was just trying to be a good friend, trying to help me cope with an awful situation. But a part of me suspected ulterior motives.

When I entered the shop, Mrs Newton was stacking shelves.

'Hi Bella,' she said without turning round.

'Hey,' I mumbled, and grabbed my apron and the sweeping brush.

Mrs Newton bustled off into the back room, then, assumedly so she wouldn't have to make conversation.

I swept random bits of floor for a few minutes. I wished I could sweep the past few months away like the dust, along with the immense guilt and sadness that filled my heart. If only it was as easy as that. To be left with a clean space and a fresh start. But the dust would fall again eventually, and it wouldn't make any difference.

A bang from behind me made me stop and look up. It was Mike, carrying three huge cardboard boxes stacked on top of each other that obscured his view. He crashed into several displays, scattering camping equipment all over the floor, before setting the boxes down next to the counter.

He cast a glance at the mess he'd made, shrugged once, and then finally acknowledged my presence.

'Hey Bells,' he said with a grin. I didn't deserve Mike.

'Hi.'

He was quiet for a few moments while he unpacked some things from the boxes and set them on the shelves behind the counter. He set the 'Closed' sign to 'Open' in the shop door and moved to stand in his place behind the till. Then he launched into a full-scale description of his plans for the Christmas holidays. It was only two weeks until Christmas. I had to admit I was almost grateful for my unpopularity at this time of year – I would save a whole lot of money on Christmas presents.

'...Eric was talking about going to see a soccer match in Seattle, so I'll try and get tickets for that...'

He went on for a while, not seeming to pause for breath. I just smiled and nodded in the right places, letting my thoughts drift somewhere else. I did that a lot now, drifted. Sometimes it got to the point where I wasn't sure what was real anymore. My mind was torn between beautiful memories and harsh realities.

But after a few moments, whilst I was drifting, something Mike said caught my attention.

'... And Tyler told me that Jessica said she wants me to be her date for the Cullens' party next week, but I'm not sure. She can't just keep breaking up with me, then expecting me to get back together with her every time she doesn't want to look like a loner...'

'Woah Mike, what was that?' I interrupted. Mike stopped talking, looking surprised that I had actually spoken.

'Jessica... wants to be my date for the Cullens'... oh.'

So the Cullens were having a Christmas party. That was nice. I suppose I shouldn't have expected an invitation. They had no reason to invite me. Good for them. I hoped they had a good time.

I don't know what Mike saw in my face, but he stepped around the counter and put his arm round my shoulders.

'Sorry Bella, I thought you knew. They've invited, like, the whole school.'

Wow. Dig the knife in deeper, Mike.

'It's okay Mike. I'm fine. Really,' I assured him. He didn't look convinced.

'Hey, listen. Why don't you come with me? You could be my date. Well... not my date... but maybe my date?'

Trust Mike. I smiled a sad smile. 'Thanks, but I really don't think I'd be welcome.'

'Oh... right.' He dropped his arm and stepped away. 'Another time maybe.'

I was glad he left it there. I didn't like things to be awkward between us. Truthfully, Mike was the only friend I still had.

He returned to his easy chatter after that, and I was free to drift away again.

I thought about the upcoming party. The whole school would be going, except from me. And whilst I knew I didn't have the right to be upset or annoyed, a little part of me still screamed out with the pain of rejection. A thousand questions swam in and out of my head that day, but only one remained constant. Would Edward be there?

Eventually it was time to close. Business hadn't been great, but at least Mike's chatter kept the atmosphere high. I hung my apron back up on its peg and made for the door.

'Bella?'

I looked around to see Mike leaning against the counter.

'Please just think about the party. You don't have to be my date, we can always just go as friends. It'd do you good.'

I sighed and put on my best fake smile. 'Sure, Mike. I'll think about it.'

I pushed open the door and headed outside. I laughed once to myself as I trudged across the wet parking lot. Of course I wouldn't go to the party. First and foremost, I hadn't been invited, and there was a very good reason for that. And second, there was a chance Edward could be there. Edward in all his handsome, brilliant, perfect vampire glory...

There was no way I was going to that party.


	3. Party

Wow I have finally managed to update! I've had a million and one things to do recently, so sorry about the delay.

I don't know why this chapter turned out the way it did... I felt like being spontaneous... and this is the result. It makes me laugh.

Oh well... Let me know what you think!

* * *

It was almost nine o'clock when I reached the Cullens' party.

I knew I probably shouldn't be going. I wouldn't fit in. People would stare, there would be whispers whenever I walked in the room and there would be lots of disgusted looks headed my way. Not even just from the Cullens. It seemed like the whole of Forks knew what a monster I was, and wouldn't let me forget it.

Icy raindrops pelted down, burning my arms and face. I hadn't dressed much for the occasion – jeans and a t-shirt – but there wasn't really a reason to dress up. I wasn't sure yet there would be anyone there to impress.

So why was I going?

As far as I was concerned there were only two possible reasons. One was I felt sorry for Charlie. He had been in the house more than usual recently, and I knew all my moping around made him feel a little uncomfortable. The second reason was Mike Newton. Ever since he first let out about the party a week ago, he hadn't stopped harassing me about it. It was getting annoying, so I had eventually agreed, if only to shut him up.

I refused to believe there was a third reason. I refused to let myself believe I was going to the party because there was a chance Edward would be there. I pushed that reason to the back of my mind, along with the grief that was threatening to pour out of me. I couldn't lose it now – this was going to be hard enough as it was.

As I reached the front door to the Cullens' house, I could hear the party was in full swing. The music blasted through the walls, the pulse vibrated under my feet. My legs started shaking. My heart rate accelerated. I held my breath and pushed open the door.

I thought I had prepared myself for it, but the moment when every eye in the room turned to glare at me still managed to make my blood freeze. People began to mutter to one another, and the hissed whispers seemed louder than the music.

I kept my head down as I pushed through the crowd. I didn't know where I was heading, but I knew I had to find Mike. This had been his idea, after all.

I couldn't see Edward's face amongst the crowd, but across the living room I spied Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie, their furious eyes focused on me. Their lips barely moved, but I could see they were speaking softly to each other. From their hate-filled expressions, I could also see they were not praising me.

I officially regretted coming to this party. I now did not only feel humiliated at being the subject of so much gossip, but also a little frightened. I was an enemy of the Cullens now, and while that wouldn't have scared me before, the threatening way they were currently staring at me was terrifying.

I wondered vaguely if they would confront me now, or whether they would wait until I was alone, so they could use force to evacuate me from the premises.

Eventually I reached the kitchen. There were fewer people in there, and I could breathe. There was still no sign of Mike, so I stepped out of the open back door.

I hadn't realised how much I missed this place. The never-ending garden was beautiful, especially by the glow of the thousands of fairy lights that surrounded the vast space. Alice had outdone herself yet again.

As I looked around, at the picturesque garden, its elaborate decorations and the smiling faces of party guests, realisation struck me like a slap to the face. I should never have come to the party. Nobody wanted me there. The Cullen family certainly didn't want me there. I didn't deserve to be there after what I did to that family.

My face red with shame, I made my way around the side of the house, not wanting to draw any more attention to myself. It was dark there, and I could barely see where I was walking, but at least there were no people.

'Bella!'

I spun around when a male voice called my name. I didn't know who else I had expected it to be, but my heart sank when I saw Mike standing there, smiling. I tried to smile back.

'I'm so glad you came!' He staggered forwards, arms stretched out towards me. Instinctively I took a step back. I had never seen Mike when he had been drinking, but I assumed this was what it looked like.

'Hello Mike,' I said, feeling a little uncomfortable. 'Actually, I was just about to take off. I'll see you at work though.'

With a forced smile and a wave, I turned and began to stumble through the darkness, away from him. I heard his footsteps echoing mine and impulsively quickened my pace. But he was faster than me. He caught up to me in a few strides and grabbed me by the arm.

'You're not going anywhere,' he murmured. Then he spun me around and pushed me against the wall.

'What are you doing Mike? Ow!' As I struggled against him, his grip on my arm tightened. He took a step forward, so he was pressed up against me.

'I'm doing you a favour, Bella. You see, I know you better than most people do. I know every little detail about you – your interests, your fears, your secrets, your insecurities – and I know what you really want...'

His face was closer to mine now. His blood-shot eyes were level with mine, and I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I squirmed, trying to get away from him, but his body pinned me to the wall. I opened my mouth to speak, but he covered it roughly with his spare hand.

'I know now that all those times I asked you out, all those times you rejected me – that was just a game you were playing. All those times you paraded around with that _freak_ Cullen, you were thinking of me, just _wishing_ you were with me. Well now's your chance.'

This couldn't be happening. Mike was my friend, the only constant thing in my life at the moment. He had been there for me when no one else was, had looked past my faults and mistakes and treated me like a person instead of the monster I was. I didn't believe him capable of doing something like this, despite the amount of alcohol he appeared to have consumed. But his hand released my wrist and began to wind its way around my waist.

I shook my head, my eyes wide, but he ignored this. He leaned around and pressed his face into my hair, his mouth next to my ear.

'You're gonna love this, sweetie,' he hissed.

I moaned against his hand and fought against him, but I was no match for his strength. His other hand continued to roam around my body, before coming to rest on the button of my jeans. He pulled his face back from my hair and grinned. His eyes were intense as he fixed them on mine. He removed his hand from my mouth. I wanted to scream, but my throat was dry. Instead I just stood there, mute with horror, as he slammed his lips against mine. I tried to push against him at first, but his hands gripped my arms and pinned them by my sides tightly.

I was completely helpless. There was nobody around to defend me. I could hear the party going on so close, but help was just out of reach. I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed I could be somewhere else – anywhere else.

Everywhere was Mike. Every sense I had was controlled by Mike. I could smell the sweat and the alcohol on him. I could hear his heavy breathing as he moved his lips against mine more vigorously. I could feel his hands as they grabbed and groped every part of me they came in contact with. Everywhere was Mike.

But suddenly he was gone.

The pressure of his body was lifted, and I could tell he was no longer in front of me. I opened one eye and, sure enough, he was lying on the ground a few feet away from me. He was groaning in pain, and pleading to a tall figure that loomed over him.

Without further thought, I ran away from the two, through the darkness. The side of the house seemed to stretch on forever, but after a lifetime I emerged at the front of the house, into the light. It would have made more sense to get into my truck, but I wasn't thinking straight. My only focus was getting away from the house. I wanted to be alone. So I kept running. My legs carried me into the forest, and when I was a safe distance from the party, I flopped down on the floor.

Finally the tears began to fall. Tears of pain, confusion and grief rolled down my cheeks and splashed on the cold ground around me. I curled up into a ball and shut my eyes. I began to experience a strange feeling of déjà-vu as, yet again, the rain began to fall.

I had lost my only friend – my last source of happiness – and the pain of the loss made me hollow. I stopped believing things would get better as I lay there in the forest. Any shreds of hope I had left drained from me, leaving nothing but loneliness in their place.

My heart was broken in just about every way now, and there was no one left to put it back together.


	4. Angel

I never did trust that Mike Newton...

Anyway next chapter... I had to cut half of this one as I decided it was too explicit to post. Heh heh.

Thanks to the reviewers – you give me reason to write!

Ciao for now!

* * *

I don't know how long I laid there in the rain for, but after a while my eyes shut and my body went numb. I figured I must have fallen asleep, because at some point I heard an angel calling my name. And the angel's voice was not hard and emotionless, like I remembered, but soft and musical. I knew for sure I was dreaming then, because the voice sounded like someone who loved me. And I had hurt the angel. I had lost my angel. He would never love me again. I didn't blame him.

'Bella?'

I opened one eye. Edward was looking down on me with a sorrowful expression. I was confused; I was sure I had been dreaming. Maybe it was all just one big hallucination, brought on by the cold. But still, whatever the reason, my angel was there.

Then I felt the air rushing past me as Edward lifted me into his arms. I felt the wind pelting my face, and I knew he was running. In a matter of seconds we were inside his house. Edward carried me up to his bedroom, where he placed me on the sofa. He laid a blanket over me and the warmth felt good. Edward sat on the floor next to me, staring blankly into space. I saw the distant sadness in his eyes and felt the guilt building again.

We sat in silence for a few minutes while the heat returned to my body. I wanted to say something. I wanted to say I was sorry, to beg for his forgiveness. I wanted to tell him how much I still loved him, and plead for him to love me back. But at that moment I couldn't find the words.

The cold had muddled my thoughts, and for a while I was blissfully unaware of the night's events. But that didn't last long, and memories of the party soon came flooding back to me. My mind filled with questions that threatened to burst out of me. Why was Edward back? What had happened after I left the party? And, at the forefront of my mind, what had happened to Mike?

I suddenly remembered the figure that had been standing over Mike in the darkness. The figure, I could only assume, had saved me. Whoever the person was had the strength to lift an average sized teenager off the ground and slam him into a wall. There were only a few people I knew who had that sort of strength – vampire strength.

I looked at the beautiful bronze-haired boy beside me properly for the first time in months, and at that moment I knew exactly who had saved me from Mike.

'Thank you,' I whispered. He turned his face towards me and his eyes snapped back into focus, as though he had just remembered I was there.

'For what?' His voice was just as quiet as mine.

'For stopping Mike. For saving me – yet again.'

He just nodded once and said nothing. His gaze moved away from me, and his stare was empty again. I knew I should take the hint and drop the conversation there, as he plainly didn't want to speak to me. The right thing to do would be to get up from the sofa, leave the house and go far away to a place where I could never hurt him again. But, a little voice in the back corner of my mind wondered, if he really didn't want to see me anymore, why had he saved me from Mike? Why had he taken me into his house? Why was he sat with me now? I wanted to know, and this would quite probably be my only chance to find out.

'Why? Why did you help me? Why did you decide to come back?' I asked the questions a little more eagerly than necessary. I was doing a dangerous thing – letting myself hope. Whilst I knew he would never truly forgive me, I quietly hoped he had at least stopped hating me enough to be able to return to his family. I didn't want to be the reason for his absence anymore.

At first he showed no signs of replying. But then, after a few moments, he spoke softly.

'When you first told me what you had done, I didn't know what to do. I had never been in a situation like that before. I felt upset, betrayed, humiliated. I was unsure if I would be able to trust anyone again.'

He still wasn't looking at me, and his voice was strained with emotion now. A tear escaped my eye from the effect his words had on me. I had known I had hurt him. I hadn't realised how much.

'I decided the best thing to do would be to get away for a while, to clear my head and decide what to do. The next morning I got in the car and just drove away without having the slightest idea where I was going. I travelled around the country for about a week before deciding to go to Denali. I knew I'd be welcomed there. And I thought it would help to be around friends who supported me and wanted to help, but it just made things worse. I was confused. I was angry. I tried so hard to make myself hate you. It would have made everything so much easier if I could just have _hated_ you. But, instead, I found I hated myself.'

This threw me. It had all been my fault – he had every reason to hate me. I couldn't understand why he was being so good to me. In circumstances like this I wouldn't have blamed him if he had thrown me out of the third storey window.

'Because I knew, if I hadn't been so selfish, if I had just given you what you needed, then you wouldn't have had to find happiness elsewhere. _I_ should have been able to make you happy.'

At that I sat up straight. I knew what a selfless nature he had, but I wasn't about to let him beat himself up over my mistakes. 'Woah, wait a minute. You can't go blaming yourself for this. This was all my fault. I was the selfish one, and I was stupid enough to ruin the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved you so much, and I was the happiest I could ever be – truly. I'm a horrible person, and I'm so sorry I hurt you.' The words came out fast in my urgency to get the message across.

Edward looked at me, and his eyes were softer now. Butterflies raced through my stomach. I had forgotten just how beautiful he was.

'I'm sorry,' I whispered again, and a fresh tear spilled from my eye.

Edward took my face in his hands, and I shivered with his cool touch. With one thumb he wiped the moisture from my cheek. Then, slowly and unsurely, he brushed the hair back from my face and leaned forwards to press his lips to mine. My heart skipped a beat. What did this mean? Could he still want me, even after I lied and cheated? I hoped he could. And, for the moment, it really felt like he did.

Unwillingly I pulled away from him. 'I'll never hurt you again,' I promised, and he smiled gently before kissing me again.

The kiss was soft at first, nothing more than a touch of lips. But soon it became more urgent. Edward's hands slid behind my head, tangling in my hair, pulling me closer to him. I felt his tongue brush my lips. I parted them to allow him access, and then his tongue was dancing with mine. His mouth tasted sweet, and I wanted more. My tongue entered his mouth, moving in rhythm with his. My heart beat frantically against my ribcage. His hands sloped downwards, following the curve of my body through the blanket, which he then tossed aside. My hands moved to his chest, and my fingers unfastened his buttons clumsily.

He broke the kiss then, and pulled me up into a sitting position. He shrugged out of his shirt, and with a lustful glance he proceeded to lift my soaked t-shirt over my head. I felt a little vulnerable, but Edward's smile reassured me. He slid my jeans off, and followed with his own. We looked at each other – both of us in just our underwear – and smiled at each other. This was really going to happen.

He pushed me down onto the sofa again, and his mouth was on my neck. His body was cold on mine.

Never in all my times with Jacob did I experience anything like this. Nothing he did ever came close. With Jacob it had always been rushed, clumsy. But here, somehow, though this was all new to Edward, he seemed professional, and every movement he made was bliss.

The months of lying and cheating all seemed so pointless now. I couldn't believe how stupid I had been to destroy what I had with Edward over a clumsy teenage werewolf. I wouldn't let anything like that happen again, I assured myself.

Edward pulled back sharply then, startling me. Another growl came from within his chest, but it wasn't like the other, playful ones. This was sharp, like a snarl. He looked down at me, all traces of passion gone from his eyes. They were dark and serious. They made me feel very afraid. His top lip curled back over his teeth. He lowered his mouth to my neck one final time.

Fire was spreading through my body.

'Oh God, what have I done?'

I was screaming, but nobody was coming to help me.

'I'm so sorry Bella.'

I prayed for my life to end.


	5. Vampire

Okay so it's a little bit later than mid December... but I've been really busy!

This is like the eighth attempt I've had at this chapter. I found it really difficult as I wanted to make it totally different to Breaking Dawn.

Oh well... Let me know what you think!

* * *

It was dark when I opened my eyes. The only light in the room was from the moon, filtering through the black clouds. I was still in Edward's room, I knew that much. How long I had been there, though, was a mystery.

The first thing I was truly aware of was that my body felt completely numb. I tried to move, but I was stiff all over. There was a dull, burning pain in the back of my throat, but I ignored it. Someone had put a blanket over me, but under that I was pretty sure I was naked.

The next thing I noticed was strange – I could see. Of course, I had always been able to see, but now I could really _see_. Everything. Every grain of wood on the door, every speck of dust (not that there were many), and every leaf of the canopy of trees outside were perfect in my vision. I sat there in amazement and watched as a minuscule spider began to spin its web in the far corner of the room. The moonlight glimmered off each invisible thread, casting little dots of light here and there.

And I could see it. It was extraordinary, and I couldn't explain it.

My thoughts were hazy, and initially I didn't have much memory of previous events. I scoured my mind for any recollection of the last time I was awake. Bits came back to me eventually, fragment by tiny fragment. I remembered crying. I remembered being with Edward. Edward kissing me. Edward naked.

And then I remembered the pain. The pain that I had writhed in, drifted in and out of consciousness to – for days.

'Oh...' I gasped. No, that couldn't be right. I couldn't be...

I looked down at my arms which shone in the dim light. They were too pale, even for me.

'Oh...' I gasped again. Then I added, in a slightly louder voice, 'Edward?'

My voice sounded different, higher, more like wind chimes than a voice, but that didn't really surprise me.

Immediately I heard a series of muffled thuds and a rush of air as Edward ascended the stairs. I supposed that was one positive thing in all of this – at least he couldn't sneak up on me anymore.

Within seconds he was in the doorway of his bedroom. It was difficult to describe the look on his face. It was somewhere between sadness, frustration and pain, with maybe just a touch of amazement twinkling in his dark eyes.

'Bella...' It was barely a whisper, but my name carried clearly across the room to me.

'Edward,' I whispered too, 'why am I a vampire?'

He didn't seem to have an answer for that. He just stood staring at me, with that bizarre expression on his face. For seconds there was silence in the room, penetrated only by the rustling of leaves in the trees outside caused by some creature of the night. The seconds lasted an eternity, and neither of us showed signs of breaking it.

Finally, after a lifetime of painful silence, Edward spoke. His voice was low and the pain in it was audible.

'I lost control.' His eyes dropped to the floor in shame. 'There was nothing I could do. I couldn't think... I couldn't stop. I'm so sorry...'

I wanted to tell him that it was okay, but I didn't know if that was the truth. A thousand thoughts flashed through my head in the moments that followed, but I only paid attention to three.

The first was Renee and Charlie – what would happen to them? They wouldn't know where I was, what had happened to me. I wouldn't hear about anymore of Renee's whimsical adventures in Jacksonville, or sit with Charlie on the sofa, pretending to be interested in the game playing on the television.

The second thought was of my school. I wouldn't graduate – at least, not this time round. I wouldn't see my friends again. Mike and Angela and Eric – I would have to leave them behind.

The third thought was the hardest to bear. It was wrong, I knew it was wrong, but the thought that hurt me the most was of Jacob. It dawned on me in that instant that I would probably never be allowed to see him again. He was my enemy. The reason for his existence was to hunt me. A pang of despair shot through me when I realised I could never again see his face, listen to his friendly chatter, lay in his warm arms.

I was losing so much.

But then, I had prepared myself for it. Ever since the day I realised what Edward was I had been preparing myself for the moment when I could be like him, when I could be strong and fast and beautiful. Now the time had finally come, and I had no real reason to be upset. There were so many sacrifices involved, but as I looked at Edward I saw the reason why I was willing to make them all. As long as I had Edward by my side I wouldn't need anyone else.

I stared at him without speaking until he raised his eyes to my face. His eyes remained sad, but his eyebrows furrowed slightly as he saw my lips curve into a smile, and then into a grin. I startled us both as what I barely recognised as a laugh tinkled from my throat.

'Bella,' he began, and his voice was wary. 'What's so funny?'

'Nothing's funny. I'm just... really happy, I guess,' I replied, and another involuntary laugh escaped me.

Edward shook his head in disbelief. 'How can you be _happy_ after what I've done to you? How can you even look at me? I've taken you from your friends, your family. I've taken your _life_ away, Bella! So how can you-'

'Edward!' I snapped, and he stopped, looking surprised. Holding the sheet around me, I forced myself to stand up. All traces of numbness vanished with this movement. I suddenly felt light and agile, more alive than ever. I stepped forward and held my hand to his cheek. His skin felt normal to me now, rather than like the cold stone I had been used to. 'Don't be so silly. You know you mean more to me than any of the people I'm leaving behind.'

'So you're happy not to see Renee or Charlie ever again?' He asked harshly, and I winced at his words.

'Well...' I searched for an optimistic answer to his question, but, finding none, I stuck to the truth. 'I suppose that might be hard for a while...'

I watched as Edward's face crumpled with pain beneath my hand.

'But _you_ are my family now,' I added quickly.

He lifted my hand gently from his face, stepped past me and sat down on the sofa. I remained standing, still clinging to the sheet. He dropped his face into his hands and sighed softly to himself. An awful feeling ripped through me then. It was one of rejection.

'You... you don't _regret_ changing me, do you Edward?' I asked quietly, preparing myself for the worst. He looked up and scowled at me. He looked so angry it would have been terrifying if I hadn't been almost positive I was stronger than him.

'Bella, how... you don't think I... Of course I don't regret changing you!'

'Then what is it? Why are you so upset? What have I done?'

'You?!' He nearly shouted, standing up and moving towards me in a flash. 'You haven't done anything. It's me I'm upset at!'

I stared at him blankly until he continued.

'This wasn't what I intended. I wanted more time for you, to give you chance to say goodbye, and make sure you were really ready. And instead this happens!' He gestured at me with his hand. 'You're lucky I managed to stop myself killing you! I'll never forgive myself for endangering you like that.'

'But you can't hurt me anymore,' I interjected. 'And this is what I want more than anything. I have always been ready.'

Finally a weak smile broke through the scowl on his face. Slowly, he leaned in towards me, and brushed his lips against mine. I waited for my heartbeat to accelerate, for the blood to begin to race, but of course that couldn't happen. Instead my head swam with euphoria, as it had always done, though now the feeling was intensified. He wrapped his arms around me, and, at last, he let himself go. He held me tight in his arms, crushing our bodies together, his mouth on mine as he pulled me in the direction of the sofa.

Suddenly he stopped and pulled away from me sharply. His breaths were fast and shallow. For the first time he looked deep into my eyes, which I could only assume were crimson.

'Aren't you thirsty?' He asked quietly.

It took me a few slow seconds to understand what he meant. But then I remembered the burning pain in the back of my throat. So that's what it was – thirst. Well, it wasn't so bad. Not as bad as I had expected it to be, anyway. I could handle it for now, I was sure.

'Not particularly,' I said in answer to his question.

'That's strange,' he muttered, more to himself than to me. 'I've never known a newborn control their thirst like that. So you don't want to go hunting?'

'The only thing I want at this moment...' I said softly, 'is you.'

He chuckled and shook his head. 'I don't think I'll ever figure you out totally.'

I smiled. 'Well you've got forever to try.'

With that I pushed him to the sofa with ease. I released the sheet I had been holding around myself and let it drift to the floor. I lay down beside Edward and rolled into his arms.

I experienced so many new feelings that night. I felt strong. I felt fast. I felt powerful and graceful and beautiful. I felt like a vampire.


End file.
